So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
