She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
