You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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