you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
