Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Damn victory sex feels great
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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