Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
