Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
