I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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