No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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