I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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