I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Naked Twister starts at high noon
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
