how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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