I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
