Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't want my vagina anymore.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
