Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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