dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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