weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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