made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it was like eating out sand paper
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
