can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So much Jack, so little girl.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
