Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
