i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
