She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
