Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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