After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
