I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
