WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Non-Jews are for practice
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
