So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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