just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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