I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
