I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
