i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
