Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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