Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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