remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
