You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
