apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
