i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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