I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
