I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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