My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
