He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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