Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
