I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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