he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
