he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
