Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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