Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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