Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
