I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
