I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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